MONDAY, FEBRUARY 02, 2003
Captain Ogle had not had a good night’s rest, his mattress kept on talking to him, and the last thing anyone ever wants is a mattress that talks. Ogle had told himself that he was going to replace the unsupportive mattress which only knew how to irritate him by creating a three point support infrastructure which only served to remove any center of gravity from his body, so that Ogle’s brain had no option but to become a gyroscope for the night to maintain an ever changing skeletal discomfort. So he wasn’t happy, and so maybe that is why he reacted so violently to Lauren’s suppositions. Or maybe it was that he felt fat; after showering he had taken a closer view of his anatomical self and well, he was rather looking like a worn old mattress. Regardless it seemed at least that Lauren, having lost her home to an explosion, and on top of that her cat, it seemed at least that Ogle could have been more sensitive.
Instead here he is standing and yelling at the poor woman, “No, Lauren, No! I won’t have it anymore! There is no case and you are completely mentally ill!” He pauses, Lauren has long lost much of her puritanical perfection, her clothes are not crisped, she has aged a few years in the last few hours, she is not as alert as usual, why else would she have brought the captain her supposition and Habakkuk’s that Antoinette had blown up her house in retaliation for her earlier arrest. The silence after his shouts remains, she sort of searches herself internally and gets up from the couch where she had been sitting, and calmly walks out. Captain follows her with his eyes, as she exits he disapprovingly moves his head in negative directions, and sits down. His coffee burns his tongue, and the sudden pain irks him to think, “what if she is right, what if Antoinette blew up the house, she certainly had a reason to be aggravated, Lauren had wanted to lock her up, she could be retaliating…” but after another sip of his coffee the Captain a little more awake, violently shook his head so as to toss any thoughts off into the eternal abyss.
I think we could have stopped Lauren, I think we could have helped her understand that this was not the thing to do, going to Antoinette’s place was certainly going to only exacerbate matters more. But then we really could not prevent this from happening, Lauren suffers from fear of abandonment, when she was young life changed all the time, as soon as she got comfortable with something her parents had to move, as soon as she had found that perfect boy, they had to get a divorce, as soon as she was about to be honored class valedictorian, her mother fell in love with a man that lived in Hawaii of all places, and when she got to liking Hawaii they split up and she went to live on a chicken farm in Kansas, and finally they stopped moving, but living among all those chickens drove her to exclude them from her cuisine, and never to eat another egg in her life.
The unfortunate road conditions of her early life, drew her to become detached from everything and to adopt a perfect life wherever she was, and the perfect life was more or less catalog based, from New York mostly, some of it seemed Parisian in style, but on her salary how could that be, and she carried herself intelligently and based all of her attachments on her brain functions, and so it was easy for her to abandon everything and everyone on a moments notice; and somehow she felt that this was a way not to hurt anyone, for the thing that Lauren feared the most was to make someone hurt like she hurt within.
But there was some attachment, her home, even as it was simplistic, decorated with that anti aesthetic Swedish assembly line furniture, she liked it, and no one else needed to like it, and this was the first home where she had lived more than five years, but what she was really missing was her Loki cat, she was missing him something big, her heart ached. Yes it is true that she seemed detached from Loki, but it was also true that she loved him with all her heart and more than she had ever loved anyone in her whole life. Her fear of abandonment meant that all her relationships were detached because at any given point her lover of the time was going to leave her. How could he not, at some point he would realize that she was all brain controlled and could not muster enough emotion to create the bond that takes place between peoples guts when they are in love. Ah, ah, she wasn’t going there, and she might not have been aware of it, but what attaches people together is in the gut, completely in the gut, in fact the medium that transfers all of the Akashic record’s sentiments from one sentient being on to all the others, is a cosmic gut connection, a gut connection that detectives cross to internalize when they walk into the scene of a crime to make an essence connection to the killer so that they can home in, a gut connection that goes past and isotropically through the stomach; hence the reason so many sensitive and loving people have stomach problems all of their lives, they are being torn apart by their incessant interactions to the multiplicity of humanity’s woes and throes. And here is the reason why Lauren never calls in sick to work, is always fit, and never has any physical problems, even her period is a nice and tidy day affair, and that is that. The concept of “I love that you need me,” has never touched her independence.
And of course, the universe always does it’s best to prove us right, and so her fear of abandonment was justified by the fact that eventually all of her men would get bored with her indolent perfection and leave her; and not because they did not see something deep in her, they did see something deep in her, a chasm for their organ.
Lauren was then able to restrain her feelings and convince herself that it had been for the best, and she always wanted to remain friends with all of her former lovers, which were only lovers by mental apparition and not gut feeling, so many of her best friends were ex lovers, even Joe, the guy that had cheated with Antoinette, who also later turned out to be gay. But there was something more behind the mask, when her relationships ended, behind the door of her private and empty bedroom, her tears and mind would ache, her heart would say, “No Lauren why did you do this to me again, why have you left me cold, here, again, no, not again Lauren.” and her anguished heart would bleed, a day, a month, in whole isolation of the world, a world that could not be a witness to her suffering nor could love her.
Yet, when she was abandoned her masochistic side realized that she wanted to keep the relationship above all things, but it just could not be. And now that Loki cat wasn’t there anymore, now she wanted him more than anything or anyone in the world, she was now obsessed with it, and Antoinette was about to find out how obsessed Lauren could become, specially now that she knew firmly that Loki had not left voluntarily, now she could genuinely miss him and love him, now that she felt his absence, now that he was torched by gas flames.
When her car parked in front of Antoinette’s place, the sun was bright, the day seemed happy, unless of course you’re Lauren, in which case you’re not very happy and right now your not having a good life. Lauren walks up to the door, and coldly knocks, more like pounds on the door with the weight of her righteous authority. Unfortunately Antoinette was home. She opens the door, her gorgeous dark green eyes looking through the screen door, her physique unravaged by time clearly cuts a passionately attractive silhouette, she is not wearing any makeup, she was working from home, and the lack of makeup only makes her more attractive and closer to going to bed. Right now she is staring at her nemesis, a woman that she once felt she betrayed but now only feels anger towards. Lauren stands there; Antoinette, “I am afraid I am busy right now, don’t bother telling me why you are here,” oh how could her sweet voice sound so precious uttering those nasty words, “I don’t have time for your drummed up charges, amazing that they still let you keep your job.” And having said that, and allowing not one word from her unwanted guest, she begins to shut down the door. However if there is something endemic to a cop is that they don’t like anyone shutting the door on them, as soon as one of those cop DNAs senses that it immediately goes to break down the door, and Lauren did not even wait to check for possible witnesses, her perfection was being dropped for a little satisfaction instead.
She immediately tore through the door, pounded herself on top of Antoinette, had her pinned to the ground straddling her body, and swiftly she took out her gun and placed it where Antoinette’s beautiful nose ended in nostrils; so abrupt was the action that they were now tainted with vividly dark red blood, gorgeous colors, “Listen to me bitch, I know how you are, nobody else seems to know or care, but I know how you are, you can’t get over on me, I am going to make you pay for everything that you’ve done to me, and to everyone else! And don’t you say a fucking word to anyone about my visit here or I will kill you sooner than I have to.” Antoinette was not used to that kind of management style, and yet she did not seem as frightened as she appeared more bothered to have Lauren on top of her, and too she seemed uncomfortable with the aches that had risen from the fall and the gun barrel. But she did not say a word, just remained there, until Lauren, perhaps now feeling uncomfortable with her latest achievements, spat on her face, got up, stood for a second through a cold stare, and then walked out.
As Lauren was leaving, a curious black and white cat looked through the screen door, almost made her out, but really didn’t though he detected her scent but was no more curious to inspect it for he turned around stepping over Antoinette, who was still laying on the floor, perhaps catching her breath, and then around her, where he smelled her blood, and then gently started licking it, as if assisting in the best way he could. Antoinette caressed Loki to reassure the kindness of his nursing tongue, and they both stayed there, on the floor, a good while, resting, oddly resting.
Instead here he is standing and yelling at the poor woman, “No, Lauren, No! I won’t have it anymore! There is no case and you are completely mentally ill!” He pauses, Lauren has long lost much of her puritanical perfection, her clothes are not crisped, she has aged a few years in the last few hours, she is not as alert as usual, why else would she have brought the captain her supposition and Habakkuk’s that Antoinette had blown up her house in retaliation for her earlier arrest. The silence after his shouts remains, she sort of searches herself internally and gets up from the couch where she had been sitting, and calmly walks out. Captain follows her with his eyes, as she exits he disapprovingly moves his head in negative directions, and sits down. His coffee burns his tongue, and the sudden pain irks him to think, “what if she is right, what if Antoinette blew up the house, she certainly had a reason to be aggravated, Lauren had wanted to lock her up, she could be retaliating…” but after another sip of his coffee the Captain a little more awake, violently shook his head so as to toss any thoughts off into the eternal abyss.
I think we could have stopped Lauren, I think we could have helped her understand that this was not the thing to do, going to Antoinette’s place was certainly going to only exacerbate matters more. But then we really could not prevent this from happening, Lauren suffers from fear of abandonment, when she was young life changed all the time, as soon as she got comfortable with something her parents had to move, as soon as she had found that perfect boy, they had to get a divorce, as soon as she was about to be honored class valedictorian, her mother fell in love with a man that lived in Hawaii of all places, and when she got to liking Hawaii they split up and she went to live on a chicken farm in Kansas, and finally they stopped moving, but living among all those chickens drove her to exclude them from her cuisine, and never to eat another egg in her life.
The unfortunate road conditions of her early life, drew her to become detached from everything and to adopt a perfect life wherever she was, and the perfect life was more or less catalog based, from New York mostly, some of it seemed Parisian in style, but on her salary how could that be, and she carried herself intelligently and based all of her attachments on her brain functions, and so it was easy for her to abandon everything and everyone on a moments notice; and somehow she felt that this was a way not to hurt anyone, for the thing that Lauren feared the most was to make someone hurt like she hurt within.
But there was some attachment, her home, even as it was simplistic, decorated with that anti aesthetic Swedish assembly line furniture, she liked it, and no one else needed to like it, and this was the first home where she had lived more than five years, but what she was really missing was her Loki cat, she was missing him something big, her heart ached. Yes it is true that she seemed detached from Loki, but it was also true that she loved him with all her heart and more than she had ever loved anyone in her whole life. Her fear of abandonment meant that all her relationships were detached because at any given point her lover of the time was going to leave her. How could he not, at some point he would realize that she was all brain controlled and could not muster enough emotion to create the bond that takes place between peoples guts when they are in love. Ah, ah, she wasn’t going there, and she might not have been aware of it, but what attaches people together is in the gut, completely in the gut, in fact the medium that transfers all of the Akashic record’s sentiments from one sentient being on to all the others, is a cosmic gut connection, a gut connection that detectives cross to internalize when they walk into the scene of a crime to make an essence connection to the killer so that they can home in, a gut connection that goes past and isotropically through the stomach; hence the reason so many sensitive and loving people have stomach problems all of their lives, they are being torn apart by their incessant interactions to the multiplicity of humanity’s woes and throes. And here is the reason why Lauren never calls in sick to work, is always fit, and never has any physical problems, even her period is a nice and tidy day affair, and that is that. The concept of “I love that you need me,” has never touched her independence.
And of course, the universe always does it’s best to prove us right, and so her fear of abandonment was justified by the fact that eventually all of her men would get bored with her indolent perfection and leave her; and not because they did not see something deep in her, they did see something deep in her, a chasm for their organ.
Lauren was then able to restrain her feelings and convince herself that it had been for the best, and she always wanted to remain friends with all of her former lovers, which were only lovers by mental apparition and not gut feeling, so many of her best friends were ex lovers, even Joe, the guy that had cheated with Antoinette, who also later turned out to be gay. But there was something more behind the mask, when her relationships ended, behind the door of her private and empty bedroom, her tears and mind would ache, her heart would say, “No Lauren why did you do this to me again, why have you left me cold, here, again, no, not again Lauren.” and her anguished heart would bleed, a day, a month, in whole isolation of the world, a world that could not be a witness to her suffering nor could love her.
Yet, when she was abandoned her masochistic side realized that she wanted to keep the relationship above all things, but it just could not be. And now that Loki cat wasn’t there anymore, now she wanted him more than anything or anyone in the world, she was now obsessed with it, and Antoinette was about to find out how obsessed Lauren could become, specially now that she knew firmly that Loki had not left voluntarily, now she could genuinely miss him and love him, now that she felt his absence, now that he was torched by gas flames.
When her car parked in front of Antoinette’s place, the sun was bright, the day seemed happy, unless of course you’re Lauren, in which case you’re not very happy and right now your not having a good life. Lauren walks up to the door, and coldly knocks, more like pounds on the door with the weight of her righteous authority. Unfortunately Antoinette was home. She opens the door, her gorgeous dark green eyes looking through the screen door, her physique unravaged by time clearly cuts a passionately attractive silhouette, she is not wearing any makeup, she was working from home, and the lack of makeup only makes her more attractive and closer to going to bed. Right now she is staring at her nemesis, a woman that she once felt she betrayed but now only feels anger towards. Lauren stands there; Antoinette, “I am afraid I am busy right now, don’t bother telling me why you are here,” oh how could her sweet voice sound so precious uttering those nasty words, “I don’t have time for your drummed up charges, amazing that they still let you keep your job.” And having said that, and allowing not one word from her unwanted guest, she begins to shut down the door. However if there is something endemic to a cop is that they don’t like anyone shutting the door on them, as soon as one of those cop DNAs senses that it immediately goes to break down the door, and Lauren did not even wait to check for possible witnesses, her perfection was being dropped for a little satisfaction instead.
She immediately tore through the door, pounded herself on top of Antoinette, had her pinned to the ground straddling her body, and swiftly she took out her gun and placed it where Antoinette’s beautiful nose ended in nostrils; so abrupt was the action that they were now tainted with vividly dark red blood, gorgeous colors, “Listen to me bitch, I know how you are, nobody else seems to know or care, but I know how you are, you can’t get over on me, I am going to make you pay for everything that you’ve done to me, and to everyone else! And don’t you say a fucking word to anyone about my visit here or I will kill you sooner than I have to.” Antoinette was not used to that kind of management style, and yet she did not seem as frightened as she appeared more bothered to have Lauren on top of her, and too she seemed uncomfortable with the aches that had risen from the fall and the gun barrel. But she did not say a word, just remained there, until Lauren, perhaps now feeling uncomfortable with her latest achievements, spat on her face, got up, stood for a second through a cold stare, and then walked out.
As Lauren was leaving, a curious black and white cat looked through the screen door, almost made her out, but really didn’t though he detected her scent but was no more curious to inspect it for he turned around stepping over Antoinette, who was still laying on the floor, perhaps catching her breath, and then around her, where he smelled her blood, and then gently started licking it, as if assisting in the best way he could. Antoinette caressed Loki to reassure the kindness of his nursing tongue, and they both stayed there, on the floor, a good while, resting, oddly resting.
posted by Ricardo Correa at 9:46 PM
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